Florida: Day 2

Today we woke up early at 7:30 (hey! that's early for vacation!!), and stumbled down to the free breakfast. We filled our little cups with omelet fillings and waited for the result. We ordered greasy bacon. We ate fresh canteloupe. We reveled in the fact that we weren't spending a cent on this meal.

After making it through our morning routines, we somehow made it into the car by 9:30 for our trip to the Miami Zoo. It took us a good thirty minutes to get there, but the parking lot was nearly empty, and the temperature was hovering in the low eighties, so we were happy.

The Zoo extorted almost $20 per person from us for entrance, but just on the other side of the turnstiles, we found an area where you could feed some pelicans. Since my mother loves pelicans more than anything else, except perhaps chocolate cake, we all knew it was a required stop. Five minutes later, a zoo worker showed up to man the fish stand, and I shortly had a cone of raw fish in my hand. My dad and I were the only ones in the family brave enough to touch the slimy little fishes, so we had all the fun of feeding the pelicans. They swarmed the bottom of the patio area with their mouths open and their various amputated limbs splayed (they were rescued birds).

After getting a good squirt of antibiotic hand sanitizer, we wandered down into the zoo proper. We saw the flamingoes, orange and white bengal tigers, and an emaciated monkey. We went into the Australian animals section and were horrified to see a dying New Guinea singing dog. We pointed out to an elderly zoo keeper that the dog appeared to be very unwell, and he responded that she was fine, but just old with arthritis. We responded that maybe she didn't need to be on display if she was going to wobble around in circles like she was drugged with her tongue tip hanging out of her closed mouth.

Hoping for something a little less disturbing, we moved onto the red kangaroos, which were very happily humping the upright tree trunks of their covered area. In the corner, where we could hardly see her, was a mother with a joey in her pouch. Only his long dangly legs were hanging out, with an occasional glimpse of his small head.

We paid extra to take the monorail around the zoo, thinking that was fastest way to see the exhibits. Little did we know that the zoo had strategically planted trees so that it was nearly impossible to see anything. We finally gave up and started walking again. My favorite exhibit was probably the giant tortoises, which were amazingly active. I still can't believe they are able to move those giant bodies on those little stumpy legs.

The last animals we wanted to see were the elephant and the gorilla, so we wound our way up into the African animal section. The gorillas were all passed out, snoozing away the day. How far we are from our ancient relatives! On our way to the elephant, we passed the giraffe exhibit, and watched as some school kids fed the large male branches of leaves right from their hands. Now that's a close encounter. The elephants were covered in mud and relatively uninteresting, so we made our way to the zoo grill for a quick lunch.

On our way out of the zoo, we came upon a fully grown iguana basking in the sun on the paved sidewalk. When I say fully grown, I mean over two feet long. I hope it wasn't an escapee, because it proceeded to stalk the screaming school kids eating lunch under the trees, and I've heard they bite. What a shame for the kids. Not.

After the zoo we drove all the way back up to Miami and made our way over the bridge to South Beach for a little sun and sea and snoozing. My sister, in her skimpy bikini bottoms, got a deal on a bed on the beach with umbrella. It was basically a mattress wrapped in terry towel on a wooden frame on the beach. Fabulous.

We settled in with our sunscreen and various states of undress before we realized that we were surrounded by topless women. Almost every direction included an eyeful of brazen nipples. We were puzzled. Was South Beach a nude beach? Did we miss something? I definitely could have done without that amount of blazing white flesh in my view, so I studiously averted my eyes to my reading material.

At one point while we were sunbathing, a swimmer got caught in the riptide that the lifeguards had been tweeting at people about all afternoon. Sure enough, the lifeguard had to head out into the water with his little orange buoy to drag the idiot back in. I guess the warning flags and the fact that no one else was swimming in that area wasn't sufficient notice for the flailing swimmer that he might not want to be in that particular part of the ocean.

After reaching sufficient internal temperature and declaring ourselves cooked, we wandered back to where we had parked the car. By this point we really needed a bathroom, so we hurried to the one the man in garage pointed out. Only problem? It was a cesspool. It smelled like the worst kind of bowel distress, compounded by summer heat, no toilet tissue, and no soap at the sink. All the girls declined and elected to suffer. My dad did his best not to touch anything.

We took a stroll down Ocean Drive to check out the restaurants in contemplation of dinner. All the eating establishments had spilled out onto the sidewalks, so you literally had to walk through the outdoor dining rooms to continue down the street. As you approached each new place, a set of hosts or hostesses was prepared to shove a menu in your face and talk nonstop as they tried to lead you to a table. Every place claimed drink specials. We finally settled on a nice place called Cafe Medi, where a giant margarita cost $27. But I didn't get one. Unfortunately.

We had a leisurely dinner, complete with lots of people watching, including the strange homeless man on a bicycle with a dressed up chihuahua in his basket and the obviously not American diner with a huge hooked nose wearing plaid shorts and a striped non-matching top. And we loved watching the police tow a van that was parked in front of a fire hydrant, especially when the owner showed up after the fact and whipped out his cell phone. Probably calling the same police that had just towed his car. I can just imagine it: "Someone stole my van that was parked illegally! How dare they!"

I will admit that once we got back to the hotel, we basically crashed like a bunch of losers and went to sleep at ten. We skipped the South Beach overpriced club scene and opted for fluffy pillows. Now that's what I call a vacation.